I really should have written about Chicago and Michigan sooner but a fuse has blown in my brain and I have found myself almost incapable of writing during the past few weeks. I have been neglecting my literary responsibilities and now of course, I am struggling to maintain coherency.

If you’re looking for eloquence you’ve come to the wrong place today I am afraid. Come back later.

Chicago was lovely, and I was glad to have been able to experience it through the eyes of a local, rather than a tourist, so to anyone who asks me about Chicago, NO – I did not visit the Millenium Park or the Buckingham fountain, or any other tourist attraction that Chicago has to offer.

I did however visit Star Lounge, The Map Room, and Whole Foods, three experiences that won’t easily be forgotten.

I LOVE Whole Foods.

It is truly the awesomest place on earth. (Give me a break, I live in an area deprived of fresh produce, let alone organic).

At a basic level, Whole Foods is a supermarket. But it’s so much more than that! The isles are long and wide, brimming with quality products just waiting to be devoured. There’s a massues upstairs, lounges, and internet access. There’s a balcony, and beer garden. There’s Lots and Lots of Cheese.

Andrew and I spent a decent amount of time conversing with Paul The Cheese Guy in order to make the right selection of cheeses to go with our wine tasting.

That’s right kids – WINE TASTING! AT WHOLE FOODS!

Conversation with Paul The Cheese Guy was outranked only by Steve The Wine Guy at the Whole Foods wine bar – THAT’S CORRECT FOLKS! A WINE BAR!

We ate cheese and drank wine and exchanged witty conversation (and laughed and laughed) and I must say it was more than rather pleasant.

Star Lounge and The Map Room are lovely (if not somewhat hipster-friendly) cafe-bars in Chicago.

I would usually cringe at places like this in Sydney, not for its decor but for its usually trendy but hostile hipster patrons and staff. Thankfully this wasn’t the case.

The staff looked as though they were enjoying themselves as much as the customers. People spoke to eachother, and the staff pretty much just hung out with the patrons, sipping coffee, playing music. It was a completely ambient experience, complete with a random argument as to whether Conan O’Brien deserves a punch in the mouth before being stripped of his Tonight Show hosting duties. (All in favour, say Ay – AY!)

*Sigh*, those were better times, back then – *tear*.

I traveled north to Lake Michigan for four days, staying with Andrew and Brian at their family’s 145 year old beach house.

The place was erected in 1866 and it still has all of it’s original structure and fittings.

No phone, no mobile reception, no internet. I have never seen one house hold so much history in it at one time and when I get my USB back from DAVE – (hintedy-Mchint-hint), I will post the photos to prove it!

Lake Michigan is EPIC! We enjoyed more than a few coronas and cut up the vast body of water in Hugh’s equally epic speed-boat.

Hugh, by the way, is Andrew and Brian’s eccentric Michigan neighbour, alike in both appearance and personality to famous Gonzo journalist Hunter S Thomson (RIP).

He is also my new Hero.

Though while Thomspon was known for his love of fast cars and artillery, Hugh gets his kicks from speed-boat driving across the Michigan lakes.

Compensating for his fear-of-flying, Hugh has taken to the seas (err, or lakes). He did not disappoint in his reputation for speed – we got up to about fifty-five kilometers an hour on Lake Michigan, driving like a madman across the vast body of water.

Land-bound from a traumatic air-plane accident, Hugh gave up his prestigious career as a psycho-analyst, immersing himself in Hollywood’s film and music industry.

He has worked with the likes of Sam Remi and Steven Spielberg (though I’m not sure how much I am allowed to disclose about this. If/when I receive permission from the author, I will write more about Hugh’s screen-writing achievements).

Onwards -

We ate good food, talked, sailed, explored the massive sand dunes and I all but completed Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail. (Way more focused than Las Vegas, I highly recommend this book to any uninspired politics buffs that are looking for something completely different. The observations are made even more interesting and relevant if read in the context of the recent US elections).

Darn these tangents, I am completely unable to focus.

Needless to say every path crossed in Chicago was a magnificent experience and I am hoping to gather them all together in the one place again one day, but next time in Australia (That would certainly be convenient for me. See how I can be accommodating and lazy all at the same time?)

You can skip the next few paragraphs if you wish, while I get a little informal:

Shout outs:

Holla to Nikki (and Karen), thanks for letting us stay at your place. I appreciated the groovy aesthetic you had going on. I may have left you an unopened box of Australian dental floss in your bathroom cabinet – I doubt that anyone’s given you dental floss before, so in that way I feel unique. I know, I know, I’m a truly giving person. That’s how we roll in Australia.

Also giving quick a shout-out to Mike and Hank: Mike, thanks for entertaining me and lending me your apartment during my first night in Chicago, while we awaited the sailor’s return to shore. Hank – thank’s for Quincy .

Finally – thanks to Andrew (obviously) for showing me around, and thanks to Brian for driving, backing the boat into the water, cooking, cleaning, removing splinters, and generally ensuring that we ate whilst up in Michigan.

Damnit woman, try to focus!

I am now in Santa Monica, though I don’t have much to say about it other than it’s pretty and the beach is cool. I’ve only been here for a day and I spent much of it hungover so yeah, aim low your expectations for this installment – just a warning.

I am staying right near “Muscles Beach”, the birthplace of US fitness and body building scene that soon swept the globe in the late 1930s. It’s filled to the brim by beef-heads, weirdos and exhibitionists performing all kinds of weird acrobatics on the outdoor fitness equipment that once used to attract massive audiences pointing and staring at the over-sized freak-shows and their rippling steroid filled biceps.

Apparently the owners of Ocean Pier were most disgusted by this display to the point that during the 1960’s they would have preferred to turn the whole damn lot into a car park than deal with the brimming tourism that was generated by these sideshows.

“I know we don’t have any customers, but I thought that was a bad thing!”

Commy-bastards. Go figure.

I am spoiling myself in the knowledge that my days here are limited. The Viceroy is a block from the beach and while I can’t afford to eat here, the weekend DJ and pool area are more than enough reason to stay here. Seriously, this place is magnificent and I’m fairly sure an episode from The Hills was filmed here.

So, my lazy days are numbered now. Not long before I head home to the Wonderful Land of Oz.

Thus, tomorrow will be spent in much the same way as today, lounging by the pool, sipping cocktails.

Hey, it’s a hard life, but sombody’s got to do it.
An Irritating Truth

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