I won’t berate you with examples (no, I’ll hit you with that later in the article), and I’m not here to bitch about celebrities (well, not entirely here to bitch about celebrities) – rather, the point of this article is to encourage people to err on the side of caution, to ask themselves a series of questions before every tweet.

Before you tweet, ask yourself: “Should I really post this?” “Is it really necessary?” “Will I be giving something to the world? Or really just adding another useless 140 characters to the pig-sty that is the internet?”

These questions can be confusing and difficult to confront. In the fast-paced digital age, a simple formula is needed for people to test their tweets and make sure they are legal.

A preliminary model for a tweet-law could be based on German philosopher Immanuel Kant’s famous moral law, the ‘categorical imperative’. It stated:

“Act only in accordance with that maxim through which you can at the same time will that it become a universal law.”

Now, converting this into a tweet-law, I propose:

“Tweet only in accordance with that tweet through which you can at the same time see being humorous, wise or helpful to someone other than yourself.”

Here are a few examples from someone who I believe tweets in accordance with this tweet-law:

While he may have been in some horrible movies recently, Steve Martin has certainly not lost his endearing absurd humor most visible in his trademark film, The Jerk. The man is a genius, and his tweets certainly reflect that. The majority of them have been intricately labored in a way designed to be humorous, wise, or helpful to someone other than himself. For example, on the 14th of February he wrote:

“I ca’nt find my galssses.”

Only to be followed up with:

“I found my glasses in my Twitter photo, but I can’t get them out”.

The first tweet is funny enough, but the second tweet is enough for a sustained 5 to 10 second chuckle, which is about as much of a laugh as you can ask for in 140 characters.

These tweets can be seen as being in accordance to the tweet-law, as they are most certainly humorous to someone other than Steve Martin. They may also be helpful, most likely to someone who was having a rubbish day and needed some comic relief.

Sure, Martin’s tweets may not be wise, but as you may remember, your tweet only needs to pass one out of the three requirements of the tweet-law for it to be legal.

Unfortunately though, many tweeps are not of Steve Martin’s ilk and set about breaking the tweet-law anyway they can. One of the most prominent outlaws is Lara Bingle. Here’s an example of why Bingle may not become Laura Bingle AO for ‘services to twitter’ any time soon. On the 16th of February she wrote:

“London is freezing today.”

Now if we test this tweet against the tweet-law, we can pretty easily see it is not a legal tweet. It is certainly not humorous to anyone, and I’m sure no one believes it is terribly wise. Also telling is the use of the world “today”, London England is cold MOST of the time, so to say “it’s cold today” implies there is some break from the norm. This one is most definitely a violation of tweet law, and good old fashioned common sense.

However we have to give Bingle some credit, it may be helpful to someone. It could be helpful:

a) For people who do not have a TV, radio, or access to any other internet sites with weather news other than twitter.

b) For those who live in a deceivingly well air-conditioned house and refuse to look or step foot outside to contemplate the temperature.

c) For people who have never experienced winter in England before, have never heard anything about England and thus could rationally assume anything other than it being cold outside.

d) If there were an isolated tribe living in a village located so far underground they never felt the effects of cold and were planning to migrate above ground to London. If by some miracle this tribe had access to twitter, could understand English and were also following Lara Bingle – then maybe they would consider taking a jacket after reading Bingle’s tweet that it is rather nippy outside.

But on further analysis, I am thinking the ways in which this tweet could be helpful are a little far-fetched. So maybe it would be fair to say that Bingle has bungled it on this occasion, and her tweet is not legal.

I encourage all readers though, please do what few have ever done and learn something from Lara Bingle. Learn from her example, learn of the dangers of breaking the tweet-law, and try from this moment on not be a follower of tweet-law outlaws.

But this is my site, my rules and if you enjoy bitching about the business models of TV stations, iTunes, distribution and production companies then this is the story for you.

If not, well, there’s plenty of more serious stories here for you to read but this isn’t one of them.

I have an admission to make, I have been known to pirate movies and television shows from time to time.

But it’s not my fault, iTunes makes me do it.

Even though the latest episodes of TV shows such as Californication & Gossip Girl (yes, I watch Gossip Girl, want to fight about it?) have aired in the US and are available to purchase – come hell or high water I can’t buy them.

This is because production companies have made deals with Australian distributors not to ship items that haven’t aired over here yet.

I see no reason why TV and movies shouldn’t make a global premier in the age of instantaneous communication.

Oh no – they want to double-dip that soggy, spittle-caked cracker for all it’s worth.

If a global premier is asking too much then at least let me buy the copy of the DVD and have it shipped to me within a reasonable period of time, because I’ve pretty much given up on the possibility of watching the series from beginning to end on TV.

Television companies are still stuck on this concept of only airing popular shows during ratings season.

They don’t realise the internet has permanently changed the way people consume entertainment.

This isn’t news to anyone really, but I’ll say it anyway – if I can’t watch it on TV after reading about the latest episode online, I’m not waiting around a year and a half for it to air.

Expecting people to wait a year or more for episodes of tv shows that have already aired in the US is unrealistic and stupid.

As far as I’m concerned, patience is a card game played by our parents.

I do try to pay for the media I watch but when even Amazon won’t take my money – to put in terms the accountants will understand – “I will take my business elsewhere”.

The point is there are people that will give me this stuff right now, and for free.

I want to give you my money. Making me wait a year isn’t an incentive.

It’s time to start thinking of new ways to make people watch your show.

You can start by scheduling it to air on the same time every week…

Which brings me to my next point: stop changing the sodding schedule.

Anyone who watches Glee knows what I’m talking about, televisions are so obsessed with ratings & advertising profits that it has become almost impossible to keep track of which night the show is on, and at what time.

And it doesn’t work any better online.

Channel 10 have done a wonderful job of making it nigh-on impossible to watch anything on their so called “web player”.

For some reason they can’t seem to wrap their head around listing the episodes chronologically, or how to stop the player from randomly jumping to a completely different video, or even play at all.

Having failed spectacularly at watching TV series on my actual TV, buying it, or watching it online – I turn to iTunes.

Why on this green earth do Apple advertise its TV shows as available to purchase and watch in HD, and then deliver me a poor quality video of the wrong episode and still expect me to pay for it?

Is there some holier-than-thou noob sitting in a cubicle somewhere telling his bosses they should provide poorer-quality videos because they’re afraid the minute someone downloads it (i.e owns it), they will upload it on to a torrent site and no one will want to buy it from Apple anymore?

Does Apple think this is a good business model?

Here’s the thing.

I don’t WANT to pirate. I have no desire to upload videos to torrents, and I am one of the small percentage of people who prefer to pay for the shows that I watch – but when I can get a BETTER QUALITY pirated video FOR FREE than Apple is expecting me to pay for – there is something very wrong with this business model.

And it’s not like I’m not bothered by ads either. But I like to watch a few episodes in a row, rather than a badly edited – I’m looking at you Channel 9 – version of a TV show or movie or documentary whose conclusion won’t air for another three weeks.

Let me give you the money. But in return I expect a high quality video (online) or a copy of the DVD that I don’t have to wait nine months for.

If I have to wait nine months for anything, I want a freaking baby at the end of it.

It’s becoming more and more apparent to me how sad and ugly the world is becoming for these young people, the more I read the things they write about themselves. My dashboard is regularly crammed with posts that say things like ‘I’m so ugly, no wonder nobody loves me’, or ‘I’m so fat, that’s why I throw up and cut myself all the time’. And most of the girls posting such things are girls posting pictures of skinny white girls with long I-don’t-care-hair in cut off shorts and lots of jewellery, or pictures of some devil like Katy Perry.

Is this what it’s come to? Really? As someone who runs a fashion business, I can see the merit of these images, and see the appeal in the colours, the glamour, the trash. But as a girl – a woman – I can only feel sorrow for the girls who think this is who they have to be. To them I say this:

Choose your idols carefully. We are not all tall. We are not all thin. None of us are flawless. There are people who see beauty outside these cookie cutter images. The best idol for you is the one in the mirror. I was bullied with the rest of them, and I still have shit depressed days where everything is black. But these days the sorrow comes either from worry for the state of the world, or from self-doubt that I am not measuring up to my OWN expectations and desires. I will never again give a shit what somebody else considers to be beautiful, I will only ever hope people continue to see beauty in ME. Short, imperfect, somewhat insane, chubby me.

Own your face, own your body, work on your brain, and some form of peace will come. There is more to life than being ‘pretty’. If you ask me, Tina Fey is a hundred times sexier than Ke$ha or the Olsen skeletons or whoever else is hot right now – and she wears glasses and has a giant scar across half her face. I can assure you she’s a hundred times happier than any of them too.

If your dashboard looks like mine, reblog this. Or hell, change it and make your own post. Whatever. Do SOMETHING. Let the kids know – there’s better shit in this world than showing your tits to a boy who spends more time on his sideways hair than you. And ask yourself: which of the women in this post do you want to be?

Talia is the founder of ‘Kiss My Button Vintage‘ – an online fashion company that caters to women of all shapes and sizes.

1. So You Think You Can Can-Can

Spin off from So You Think You Can Dance that is exclusively devoted to the now rather obscure dance style established in the late 19th century. If show gets low ratings make contestants live like they’re in the 19th century like they did in that Simpsons episode.

To succeed must: Feature the intolerable Baz Luhrmann as a guest judge.

2. Big Mother

Spin off from Big Brother, follows various Australian mothers who are attempting to conduct comprehensive surveillance of their kids. In the series finale the audience votes for the mother they feel most effectively followed her kids and steered them away from danger. The winner is crowned ‘Big Mother’.

To succeed must: Have publicity deal with A Current Affair and/or Today Tonight.

3. At The End Of The Day

A show that follows cleaners who work late into the night. Features before and after shots of the building they cleaned and the audience votes for who was the best cleaner. In the series finale the winning cleaner gets to become the face of a well-known detergent for years to come.

To succeed must: Feature incessant amounts of product placement.

4. Fair Dinkum

This show features politician’s awkwardly hanging around various Australian working families who have been exposed as doing it tough. At the end of each family’s story of doing it tough a big red FAIR DINKUM graphic smashes into the screen with over the top sound effects.

To succeed must: Be hosted by Mark Latham or Kochie.

5. FML*

Similar to Fair Dinkum but aimed at the MTV audience. The show features 16-25 year olds whose lives suddenly take a mild turn for the worse that is blown out of all proportion. The audience SMS’s what they think the best FML moment is and the winner gets a prize-pack featuring a large supply of some sort of horrible energy drink from a sponsor of the show.

To succeed must: Ensure that people featured in the show say the word “like” a minimum of five times per sentence.

Winner gets to do a music video with The Situation.

*visit here for FML definition if necessary

For those not familiar with the Wonkleys, they are like the Walkleys – except without the prestige, glamour and cash prize.

The awards are voted for by you the consumer because it is your opinions that matter more than any other (certainly more than ours).

As an impartial news and opinion source, we would never want to influence your vote… but if you were to vote for us, we would never turn down the opportunity to bask in the loving embrace of our readers – being the ego-maniacal-fame-whores that we are.

If you were, hypothetically, looking for a qualified recommendation on who to vote for here are some other intelligent funny people and blogs who deserve your votes more than we do:

Ben Pobjie has been nominated in the category of best political journalist.

Kim Powell in the category of best amateur political blogger.

News with Nipples for the best amateur political blog category.

Ash Ghebranious has been nominated in the best political blogger category.

Julie Posetti has been nominated in the category of best journalist on twitter.

And Phony Tony Jones has been nominated as one of the best fake twitter accounts.

These are just a few of many talented people who have been nominated, so if you’re not going to vote for Social Scapegoat, then you should vote for any of these fine people. We are honoured (and slightly ashamed) to even be on the same list as these clearly superior minds.

Voting is now open for this year’s award categories, you can cast your vote here.

Voting closes on Sunday the 12^th of December.

The disgruntled malcontents at Social Scapegoat want to thank every person who nominated us for a Wonkley. We don’t know who you are, but if we did, we would deliver beer and chocolate covered strawberries to your door for a week. (We’re classy like that).

Seriously, it’s wonderful to be receiving such positive feedback from our readers and we appreciate your support. We love hearing from you – in emails and the comments section and we’re taking on board all the feedback we receive.

I want to express a huge thank you to all my fellow Scapegoats for their hard work over these last three years: Roxanne Bauer, Myles Harris, Preston Towers, Chase Stevens, Evan Hughes, Nick Porter, Michael Brull, Boganette, Lazy American Correspondent, Micah McGown, Helen Davidson, Ian Rakowski, Paul Christiansen and Will Jameson. All of these people work hard to create insightful and original content and are dedicated to  increasing the standard of debate. Without you, this couldn’t have been possible.

To our readers – you may have noticed there has been an article drought these last few days. After a long and busy year we are taking a much needed break for a few days. We promise more content will be online shortly.

Thank you again to all our readers for your support, your RTs, your banter, and your involvement.

You make it worth it.

- Claire Connelly
Founder and Editor of Social Scapegoat

None of the complications, misunderstandings or disasters that ensued during the show’s nine year run would even have happened if the show was filmed today.

Seinfeld was the funniest show of the 80s and 90s, but if it ran today for the first time, there is no way it would be as culturally relevant, or even funny because a lot of the comedy had to do with mis-communications.

No doubt Jerry would likely be one of those people who prides himself on not owning a mobile phone (in fact I am already imagining some banal apartment conversation about cell phones being a fad), but a large part of the show’s development would be lost if the show’s characters had the simple ability to text message.

Think about it.

If the episode ‘The Movie’ aired today, Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer would have met at the right movie cinema, at the right time and had a very pleasant evening.

What’s funny about that?

In the ‘Chinese Restaurant’, George wouldn’t have had to monopolize the pay phone in the restaurant the entire evening waiting for Tatiana to call, Elaine would finally satisfy her hunger, and all of them could have gone to a movie afterward – and how dull would that be?

I worry how this show will be received by the next generation.

I live in fear of the reaction that would inevitably occur if my baby cousins ever watched this show – (which is why I will never watch it in their presence, for fear they fail to find the funny).

I weep for the day that Jerry Seinfeld isn’t lauded as a comedic genius.

During the Seinfeld era, we shared some of the worst days of our lives with some of the shittest people on earth who thus made us look good by comparison.

God help us if this show ever becomes culturally irrelevant.

That is all.

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http://www.twitter.com/SocialScapegoat
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‘There you are,’ I screamed dementedly at him, virtually rubbing his face in the heap of white plastic, ‘now you’ve got choice. Look at all that choice. They may all be shit, but look at the choice!’ – Stephen Fry, The BBC and the Future of Broadcasting

2009 is the beginning of the golden age of Australia television. Where once we were forced to pay through the nose if we wanted more than five and a half television channels, we can now flick for hours armed with little more than a digital set-top box and a HD capable TV. Oh how the mighty Foxtel is no doubt quivering in its boots to think that everything they used to offer for a premium is now streamed free of charge into our living rooms. Oh how spoiled we are to live in this enlightened age of choice, choice and more choice.

Or are we? Because what has digital TV really given us that we didn’t have before? In the grand scheme of things does “more” always have to equate to “better”?

For a long time I have resisted against the pull of pay television for the simple fact that it’s not really very good. Sure, there are definite standouts such as the critically acclaimed Love My Way but considering this is a tiny blip on what is otherwise a sea of repeats and dreadful “reality” television I would really rather not. It just doesn’t appeal to me. But digital television does appeal to me.

Or should I say did appeal to me. Because, in theory, the idea is fantastic. Love the ABC? Imagine a world where there’s not one but 4 different ABCs! Offended by most of the content on Channel 9 but can’t look away? Prepare to be triply offended. So imagine my dismay when I switch over to digital only to find that rather than innovation or even more-of-the-same I find myself watching the tried and tested Pay TV formula of more shit more of the time.

We have a sports channel whose sole purpose seems to be to lock out Pay TV from major sporting events, a “youth” channel that is back to back repeats and two other channels that are pale reflections of their flagships. Even the admirable ABC2 is more repeats of ABC1 than it is anything original. Excuse me if I’m failing to see the quality for all the choice.

I shouldn’t really have been surprised. I’ve been bemoaning the quality of Australian television for years now, it was naive to think that more was automatically going to equal better especially when television comapanies constantly whinge about the cost of producing local content.

I’m not even arguing that digital should be more of what I want – I just think we probably don’t need to see yet another repeat or Frasier, Seinfeld or Malcolm in the Middle. Let’s shake it up a bit. Let’s use the added bandwidth to try something new, take some risks, reinvent the wheel. The way I see it, digital television provides broadcasters two very unique opportunities:

• If you read any top-television-shows-of-the-all-time list I can guarantee to you that the top ten will be littered with the likes of The Sopranos, The West Wing and so on. Yet for some reason Australian TV networks refuse to broadcast these programs at a reasonable time, in their original format or even at all. Sure, devoted fans will always pick up these classics on DVD but why aren’t we allowed to watch them properly the first time around? How many neo-classic shows are Australian’s missing out on at this moment? Why has it taken Entourage so long to get to free-to-air TV, and even then only to be shown on SBS. Three new channels per network is the perfect place for broadcasters to take a chance on the next big thing and not have to worry about whether it will rate well against The Simpsons.

• Given how cheap the technology to make television has become why not give Australian’s the chance to make their own, low budget television. We are already seeing this with SBS Independent but I’d love to see other networks dipping their toe in the pool. Sure, a lot of it will be terrible and a lot of it won’t make it past a few seasons but along the way we just might find the next Chris Lilley or Gina Riley and Jane Turner. There are so many people out there with an idea for a TV show – why not give them a camera and see what happens.

I really do hope that digital television gets better, especially as next year we’ll begin phasing out analogue TV. At the very least I hope the terrible quality of the new channels doesn’t begin to destroy the quality of their flagships further than it already is. If more choice means more of the same then I might just be done with the lot of you and go and read a good book instead. Perhaps a Stephen Fry?

To begin with, the lead female protagonist Bella is a complete and utter bore – a blank slate, whose entire existence, thoughts, and actions revolves around her dull-as-nails, 110 year old, Shakespeare quoting, pedophile vampire dream-beau Edward.

Everything else exists on the periphery –  Bella’s school, friends, socialising, romanticising Victorian literature, wearing daggy trench coats and worrying about her age , serve only as convenient distractions while she waits for Edwards return.

Bella is a vapid baseless character with zero interests, no goals (except becoming a vampire), with few friends, who does nothing but mope around waiting to be saved.

I have not witnessed such a bland protagonist since Rapunzel.

What are young girls supposed to think about the significance of their own lives when they watch this ridiculous ”morality story” of a purposeless protagonist whose entire self worth is validated by a constipated vampire and a werewolf with anger management problems?

As if the first film wasn’t bad enough with its swooning & grunting , and –  ”Oh no! I cannot control myself I am but a mere woman” - New Moon reaches all new depths of unapologetic misogyny.

Ms. Magazine’s Carmen D. Siering explains:

“Fans of the books, and now a movie version, often break into “teams,” aligning them- selves with the swain they hope Bella will choose in the end: Team Edward or Team Jacob. But few young readers ask, “Why not Team Bella?” perhaps because the answer is quite clear: There can be no Team Bella. Even though Bella is ostensibly a hero, in truth she is merely an object in the Twilight world. Bella is a prize, not a person, someone to whom things happen, not an active participant in the unfolding story.”

The abundant ‘close-calls’ in this film serve only to highlight the near obvious truth that Bella ought perhaps, to be her own heroine – but instead Bella and the Cullens conclude, without the slightest hint of irony, that the only solution is for Bella to become a vampire (spoiler alert) despite the turf-wars that will inevitably occur from this illicit union.

Even more ironical - the books were written by a half crazed Mormon trying to discourage teenage girls from having premarital sex. But instead of creating an empowered central character Bella is portrayed as weak, vulnerable, and unable to control her lust or emotions for even a moment, whose physical and emotional safety is ensured only by the dominant men she surrounds herself with who control her behavior, her decisions, and impose their own personal brand of chauvinist morality.

Women have been portrayed as victims enough throughout cinematic history; just once, I would like to see Bella kick some serious vampire butt!

If Stephanie Meyer really wanted to help girls take control of their bodies, she would create a headstrong protagonist who sleeps well at night without the constant company of men, who says no to being “turned”/”bitten”/”insert obvious metaphoric reference to getting laid here”  – who controls her own destiny.

Give teenagers  a strong and self empowered woman to look up to instead of this pathetic whiny vampire fan-girl!

Instead, we witness two and a half hours of a sniveling submissive little emo who cannot be alone for a minute and the delay of her impending ”deflowering” relies purely on the self-control exercised by her controlling male counterparts, (apparently the women of Forks are incapable of exercising any self-control).

Seriously, how can any self respecting feminist enjoy this film, and why oh why do I continue to watch them?

Though I wouldn’t write off the possibility that the Twilight saga provokes more conversations between tweens, teens, and their adult counterparts than we may think, it would make for a nice change to have an interesting female lead who doesn’t have daddy issues, whose character development is not based around some traumatic childhood experience, who isn’t trying to nab herself a man,  - who is empowered just to be empowered.

That’d be the day.

]]> http://socialscapegoat.com/calling-bullshit-on-bella/feed/ 7 http://socialscapegoat.com/its-not-like-it-was-black-face-blackface-an-open-letter-to-whoopi-goldberg/ http://socialscapegoat.com/its-not-like-it-was-black-face-blackface-an-open-letter-to-whoopi-goldberg/#comments Fri, 09 Oct 2009 08:19:00 +0000 Claire Connelly http://socialscapegoat.com/?p=171 Dear Whoopi,

How are you? I am fine, thank you for asking. Though my back has been giving me a few troubles and the reception on my television is shot so I’ve resorted to re-enacting old episodes of ABC TV shows in my living room.

Anyhow, I won’t waste time with formalities.

Whoopi, I am confused.

Last week you were defending famous child molesters on The View, and this week you’re on air getting all self-righteous about bogan’s in black-face on Hey Hey.

What is it you stand for exactly?

I don’t know why you’re getting your knickers in a twist over Hey Hey’s epic cock up. Sixteen years ago you defended your ex-boyfriend for showing up to your roast at Friars in black-face.

Perhaps you are unfamiliar with Hey Hey’s style.

I thought you would have known to expect the tasteless vulgarity that is Hey Hey.

Besides, it’s not like it was black-face black-face.

Epic fail.

Yours nonchalantly,

Claire

Right at this very moment, Dennis Ferguson might be wondering why he is having coffins delivered to his door while the same citizens are picketing for Polanski’s release.

In your search to become a world famous and beloved kiddy fiddler, never forget the essential truth: You need artistic license to be a pedophile.

Not just anyone is worthy of such an immaculate celebrity title. You need panache, an agent, possibly some long-standing media contacts. Having your husband or wife die suddenly and tragically at the hands of a crazed self-proclaimed Messiah could help too. Did you marry your cousin, or have long standing connections with the beach boys?

Just remember: image is everything.

In that spirit, I present to you a how-to-guide on being a socially acceptable sex offender.

#1: Learn how to Moonwalk: Sure, Michael Jackson may have always been the little lost black boy that grew up to be the alien with a heart of gold, but before he learned to moon-walk, he was just that sad little kid who sang to his rat. The moonwalk launched Michael into the music hall of fame and earned him screaming fans for decades to come. If you can also get Macaulay Culkin to admit that he enjoys spooning with you to NBC that would be an added bonus.

#2 Piss on an underage girl: Hey – it worked for R.Kelly.

#3 Don some ironic eye glasses, or a Warhol style wig: Unless you’re doing something ironically, people won’t realise you’re an artist. This look is hard to pull off – be sure to borrow some styling tips before wearing this one out in public. It’s a fine line between dressing up like an escaped mental patient and actually being one. There’s risk taking, and then there’s full on social suicide. Be sure not to go full rock-spider, pull it back a little, sometimes less is more. Underage girls will be throwing themselves at you before you know it. And with all the difficulty the media is having defining consent at the moment, especially in the sporting community, people will laugh as they wave the little minxes up to your private balcony to make artsy black and white porn videos with you. Just remember: make them come to you.

4# Do something creative (and be sure to have it appraised): Paint a picture, take a photo, release a hit album, hell release something on YouTube. Do anything – just be sure to have it appraised. And not just appraised for a dollar value, but be sure to mention how you’re “internet famous” and reassure people about your longstanding reputation in the community. Count the number of hits you receive on YouTube and be sure to carry your appraisal certificate on you at all times to remind the world of just how much you’re worth. Gathering a small but loyal crowd of artsy paparazzi types will also help to boost your public persona, (if they come equipped with Polaroid cameras, that would be good too).

5# Get the object of your desire to rush to your defense when the cops show up: It worked for Bill Henson – you can make it work for you too.

6# Be sure to gather a following over a long period of time: This is a tricky but essential step that most child molesters often overlook in their rush to cultivate short term fame. The reason for this is that the longer somebody idolises you – the more likely they are to look past your indiscretions. That way when you do finally make the media, you can get a loyal fan (preferably a Generation Xer) to come out in defense of your atrocities, and explain slowly and loudly (in case people don’t understand) that it’s people’s age which restricts them from seeing what a true genius you are; Had they grown up with your art slash music slash films such as they had, they would understand that you’re an artist, not a pedophile.

So there you have it people. Now you are equipped with the skills required to go out there and meet the girl or boy of your dreams, without having to worry about the petty ethics and morals of mainstream society. With my trusty six step guide, your next door neighbors will be practically begging you to come over and babysit.

But before you go and introduce yourself to the girl next door – just remember: if you’re not an artist, don’t fiddle with the kids.