Full Rock Spider: A Six Step Guide tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,

Full Rock Spider: A Six Step Guide

Posted by Claire Connelly in Entertainment, Humour, Media

In the wake of Roman Polanski’s arrest on thirty year old sex charges, there may be some confusion amongst our community, as to what constitutes a paedophile, and which lucky people are allowed to be one. You may be asking yourself – am I a paedophile? And why don’t people love me? And now that the In Touch program has been shut down, how do I get in touch with Roman?

Right at this very moment, Dennis Ferguson might be wondering why he is having coffins delivered to his door while the same citizens are picketing for Polanski’s release.

In your search to become a world famous and beloved kiddy fiddler, never forget the essential truth: You need artistic license to be a pedophile.

Not just anyone is worthy of such an immaculate celebrity title. You need panache, an agent, possibly some long-standing media contacts. Having your husband or wife die suddenly and tragically at the hands of a crazed self-proclaimed Messiah could help too. Did you marry your cousin, or have long standing connections with the beach boys?

Just remember: image is everything.

In that spirit, I present to you a how-to-guide on being a socially acceptable sex offender.

#1: Learn how to Moonwalk: Sure, Michael Jackson may have always been the little lost black boy that grew up to be the alien with a heart of gold, but before he learned to moon-walk, he was just that sad little kid who sang to his rat. The moonwalk launched Michael into the music hall of fame and earned him screaming fans for decades to come. If you can also get Macaulay Culkin to admit that he enjoys spooning with you to NBC that would be an added bonus.

#2 Piss on an underage girl: Hey – it worked for R.Kelly.

#3 Don some ironic eye glasses, or a Warhol style wig: Unless you’re doing something ironically, people won’t realise you’re an artist. This look is hard to pull off – be sure to borrow some styling tips before wearing this one out in public. It’s a fine line between dressing up like an escaped mental patient and actually being one. There’s risk taking, and then there’s full on social suicide. Be sure not to go full rock-spider, pull it back a little, sometimes less is more. Underage girls will be throwing themselves at you before you know it. And with all the difficulty the media is having defining consent at the moment, especially in the sporting community, people will laugh as they wave the little minxes up to your private balcony to make artsy black and white porn videos with you. Just remember: make them come to you.

4# Do something creative (and be sure to have it appraised): Paint a picture, take a photo, release a hit album, hell release something on YouTube. Do anything – just be sure to have it appraised. And not just appraised for a dollar value, but be sure to mention how you’re “internet famous” and reassure people about your longstanding reputation in the community. Count the number of hits you receive on YouTube and be sure to carry your appraisal certificate on you at all times to remind the world of just how much you’re worth. Gathering a small but loyal crowd of artsy paparazzi types will also help to boost your public persona, (if they come equipped with Polaroid cameras, that would be good too).

5# Get the object of your desire to rush to your defense when the cops show up: It worked for Bill Henson – you can make it work for you too.

6# Be sure to gather a following over a long period of time: This is a tricky but essential step that most child molesters often overlook in their rush to cultivate short term fame. The reason for this is that the longer somebody idolises you – the more likely they are to look past your indiscretions. That way when you do finally make the media, you can get a loyal fan (preferably a Generation Xer) to come out in defense of your atrocities, and explain slowly and loudly (in case people don’t understand) that it’s people’s age which restricts them from seeing what a true genius you are; Had they grown up with your art slash music slash films such as they had, they would understand that you’re an artist, not a pedophile.

So there you have it people. Now you are equipped with the skills required to go out there and meet the girl or boy of your dreams, without having to worry about the petty ethics and morals of mainstream society. With my trusty six step guide, your next door neighbors will be practically begging you to come over and babysit.

But before you go and introduce yourself to the girl next door – just remember: if you’re not an artist, don’t fiddle with the kids.