Yes – they were awful.

They looked and sounded like girls.

They wrote songs about entirely made up words like “Mmmbop da ba dooowop dibi da ba doowop da ba doo.”

This was a band no one would admit to liking – no one that is, except for me.

That’s right, I was a die hard Hanson fan.

I had all their albums, I knew all the words to every song. My bedroom walls were plastered with posters of their pre-pubescent faces.

I kept a scrap-book. A scrap-book.

After a series of terrible number ones they kind of faded into obscurity, they’re still around apparently.

Google told me they released an album originally entitled “Hanson is Back;” I wonder whether that was released before or after Taylor and Zac impregnated and subsequently married two groupies.

Either way I’m kind of wishing I didn’t destroy/throw out my scrapbook and all Hanson memorabilia in a moment of shame and humiliation – it would have been kind of cool to look back on.

2. Cleopatra

You can tell how little anyone cared about what happened to Cleopatra, a sister R&B group from the 90s, this was the one and only photo I could find on google images:

The lead singer (whose name I haven’t cared to memorize) sounded like a cat on helium, stretched out on a rack.

Their lyrics were clever and original: “Cleopatra, comin’ atcha.”

They wore Adidas and awful hair extensions, but their songs were catchy (if not somewhat scratchy).

This was before the days of TLC or Destiny’s Child (remember them?)

Either way, my liking this band definitely earns me more than a few demerit points in “cool.”

3. Alanis Morissette (aka “Angry White Woman”)

“Jagged Little Pill” was the first CD I ever owned.

It was angry, and punchy, with clever lyrics that empowered young women everywhere.

She was indie and had that whole earth-mother feel to her, an amazing lyricist. She was the modern day Carly Simon.

She wrote songs that were ironically un-ironic.

Though I will always love her first album, which was unflattering and unapologetic about her former lovers, her second and third albums were just as good.

She seemed to have found herself somewhat, and possibly god (unconfirmed).

As cliched as it sounds her music really did capture a journey and seemed to parallel events in her own life.

Today we live in an era of conceptual music, musician’s are a lot more private and not as eager to tie their songs to personal experiences – I like that Alanis was like “yeah, he was a dick, no doubt about it.”

And come on, “when I scratch my nails down someone else’s back I hope you feel it” – who can’t fall for lyrics like that?
Pure sass.

4. Green Day

Now, I don’t know if it’s really that uncool to like Green Day.

It kind of seems like bands that continue to question the status quo just seem like too obvious a choice these days.

Billie-Joe Armstrong has never had a job.

Green Day have spent more than three quarters of their lives playing freaking awesome punk songs and sticking it to the man, so to speak.

Green Day is one of the few bands whose melodies and lyrics have gotten better with every album.

They were great then, they’re awesome now.

Besides Trey-Cool being one of the most hilarious and random men on the planet, I like that they’re just doing their own thing.

Yeah – on stage obviously they’re fairly assertive with the “fuck it, I’ll do what I want” thing, but in interviews they’re just laid back about people who disagree with what they stand for or what they’re doing.

Unaggressive punks with awesome songs that are leading an entire generation of people into the future, encouraging them to think for themselves and to forever keep questioning that state of things.

And come on, who doesn’t love a drunk bunny as a warm up gig ? – (At all of their gigs Billie-Joe dresses up in a bunny outfit and runs across the stage with a bottle of Jack Daniels and generally disrupts the opening bands).

Yes, I’m putting it out there Dookie and Nimrod were just as good as American Idiot. Alright? I said it.

5. Britney

Yes ok, I know this is a fairly predictable choice.

Aside from the fairly disturbing fact that Britney’s managers and producers marketed her to pedophiles as a revenue generating demographic, Britney revolutionized the pop industry.

The plan was to market Britney as an innocent young Texan, pure as the fallen snow; with each album the voyeur audience watched her grow into a nubile young nymph ready to be deflowered.

As disturbing as this is, the fact is it worked (probably too much).

Before Britney there was bubble-gum pop which was targeted to one specific demographic and thus never lasted more than 2-3 years at the most (after which time young girls finished with puberty and moved on to more sophisticated musical tastes).

Think Nikki Webster.

Think Billie Piper.

Before Britney there was no real pop scene to speak of.

Britney worked with world famous producers to record gems like “Baby One More Time” and “Oops I did it again.”

Yes, Britney is trailer trash, with a controlling stage mum and probably has a borderline personality disorder, but Britney has become the girl we love to hate.

Hopefully one day she will stand up to her family and take control of her life but until then everyone will revel in the ongoing saga of Britney.