Portland Shmortland tagged: , , , , , , ,

Portland Shmortland

Posted by Claire Connelly in Travel

Call me crazy, but I really don’t get what the big deal is about Portland.

Besides catching up with my awesome friend Ian (margaritas for lunch – HELL YEAH!) which was obviously lovely – I’m kind of underwhelmed by this city.

It’s like a wholesome alternative to Newtown.

There are some lovely little quirks to this town that should impress me – like for instance, the people here are really health conscious.

It’s a cycling city, and there are a lot of organic food stores.

Most of the cafes and restaurants serve real food, and make a point of staying away from corn syrups and other trans-fats.

Yet somehow this city kind of leaves me numb.

Did you know, that Portland has more strip clubs per capita than Vegas or San Francisco?

It’s true! (Well at least it is according to Wikipedia) :P

The Oregan Supreme Court specifically found that nudity and lap dances in strip clubs are protected speech, they upheld the strong free speech protections ingrained in Oregons Constitution.

Ordinarily I could devote an entire blog to this fact alone, but tonight… I got nothing.

Portland is a hipsters haven.

Anyone who enjoys pretentious art galleries and boutique vintage stores (which I must admit were awesome, and so frigging cheap – but I have no skill or patience for op-shopping), will have a ball here, but somehow this city is just not me.

I really don’t get what it is about this place that leaves me so disaffected.

It’s pretty, and it’s perfect weather right now.

There are some awesome independent publishers here with an awesome selection of zines, and there’s a museum called the “velveteria” where all the paintings are made from velvet, and the people are considerably friendlier here than the folks on the west coast and yet -

I feel nothing.

I’m sure the home-sickness that has been plaguing me is partly responsible for this indifferent state of affairs, or the amazing weekend that preceded it, but it certainly didn’t help that Expedia.com and the Holiday Inn LIED TO ME!

Note to Expedia.com: Do not write that The Holiday Inn Downtown is 0.4 miles from the centre of downtown, when it is in fact eight miles away.

Hey Holiday Inn – don’t add the word downtown to the name of your hotel if you are not located downtown.

Also – YOU SUCK!

Despite being a non-smoking floor, my room wreaked of stale cigarettes and mildew.

The bed may have been relatively comfy, but how could I enjoy a solid nights sleep when the lights flickered, the fridge (empty) hummed, and the air conditioning rattled?

You really ought to get the lights looked at – it’s really only a matter of time before DIY-Dad on vacation tries to fix it and ends up electricuting himself.

Also, what self-respecting hotel room doesn’t have a mini-bar?!

It’s clear you’d have to be drunk to book the Holiday Inn “Downtown”, let alone enjoy it – and you even let down the last remaining demographic that would ever consider staying here.

You’ve lost the alcoholic vote, and you’ve lost mine!

Expedia also promised in-room safes that didn’t exist; My laptop had to sit down in reception ON THE DESK, in plain site when I was out of my room.

The staff looked at me like I was crazy when I inquired about maps, tours, and popular destinations. I may as well have asked when the aliens were coming.

Besides all that, it was fine.

Thanks Holiday Inn – THANKS FOR NOTHING!

Thanks to you, I am now at The Red Lion Hotel and I’ve got to tell you, it may be further from downtown (but we’ve already established that Portland is overated anyway), BUT:

- the beds are massive,
- the lush river views are magnificent,
- the food is cheap, (delicious, and nutritious) – even for room service
- and the pool is wonderful!

I’m also paying $60 dollars less than what I payed for your shit-hole so it’s worked out well for me.

Screw sight-seeing, you can find me by the pool, immersed in Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail for the next three days.

It’s my holiday and I’ll do what I want!

(So what, big whoop, wanna fight about it?)