Death to Emoticons! tagged: , ,

Death to Emoticons!

Posted by Claire Connelly in Humour, Technology

Do you know what annoys me?

People who put music on their website.

It makes me want to hunt the company down and inflict grievous bodily harm upon the person who thought it would be “cool” to violate my eardrums with music that is not of my choosing.

Dear web developer,

You are not “hip”. Aside from your shitty web design – your tacky flash player, crap 80s synthetics, wannabe Rambo music (I’m looking at you Paintball!), & effing Enya – makes me want to top myself. My only refuge from these suicidal thoughts is that my desire to throttle your web-designer is stronger.

Needless to say the connection between your tacky website, and your declining revenue is not a casual one.

Do you really think that my world is so devoid of sound or music that adding another layer of noise to my day will make browsing your pathetic website even more meaningful?

People like you need to be punched repeatedly in the ears, and then locked in a room where the music from your website is played on a loop.

Seriously, read a marketing manual. Or kill yourself.

But even that fate would not be just enough for “Mr. Smiley”.
Oh yes, Mr. Smiley – you thought I had forgotten about you didn’t you?

Nothing on earth causes me more homicidal thoughts than the sites you occupy.

You Mr. Smiley, are the demon spawn of Pac-man and I hope that you and your kind get devoured like some kind of 1980s video game, (but not before whispering “Psst! Want free smileys? Click the button!” repeatedly in your non-existent ears).

For YOU are the lowest form of advertising!

There are no nightmares more satisfying than the complex murder fantasies I have for you, and your stupid stereotyped emotions and your 3d graphics!

That is all.